(ED. Note. - One more thank you to Bathory for these rules. You are my favorite writer to read.)
I know that many of Sir Fersch’s expectations for etiquette are complicated rituals held over from the Victorian era, but I really think there are only two important rules in life:
Do no harm, to the best of your ability.
Leave things a little better than you found them.
I argue that those two points can be effectively applied to pretty much everything. However, I’ve been asked to provide a list of ten etiquette rules, not two, so I’ll list the most important practical applications of these principles. (Most of these will probably still be pretty broad, since I honestly couldn’t care less which side of the plate my fork should be placed on and whatnot.)
1. Do not brake on the highway. It is possible to drive in a manner that makes this is possible—learn how. Unless there’s a stationary wildebeest or some other unavoidable obstacle hanging out in your lane, you should never have to hit your brakes on long, wide, reasonably straight stretches of road.
2. Thank people for things: big things, little things, the things you think you deserve, and the things you take for granted. I hate to break this to you, but you are not actually entitled to much of anything, so be gracious about what you get. It is a good idea to acknowledge the people who lubricate your life.
3. If you want someone to know something, A) say it, and B) say it in a way that will be received and understood by the person(s) you want to hear it. Don’t expect me to read your mind. I’m pretty good at mindreading, but my inferences won’t hold up in a court of law, which is the standard I will insist upon in any disagreement.
4. Judge not lest ye be judged. If I didn’t think my opinions were facts, they wouldn’t be my opinions. Nonetheless, I will concede some capacity for error given that most equipment, including my brain, fails from time to time. People, by and large, are doing the best that they can, even when their best is utterly unacceptable. Judging people for their idiocy has never, to the best of my knowledge, ever improved their performance (except in those 1980s anti-drug propaganda PSA’s, where being deemed a “sissy” greatly increases one’s inclination to smoke crack).
5. Interfere in the affairs of strangers when help is needed or safety is an issue. I’ve been on the receiving end of some amazing acts of random assistance (thank you, Japanese lady who stopped on the side of the highway at 9pm while I was standing in my underwear trying to retrieve my skirt from the drive train of my bike). I’ve also been stunned by the utter lack of useful response by people around me in emergencies (“This man is unconscious and bleeding from his head. Perhaps we should do some things to improve this situation, since he doesn’t appear currently capable of addressing it himself”).
6. Learn the difference between flirting with someone and hitting on them. As indicated by the prepositional phrases, the former is an act of mutual engagement, and the latter is uni-direction, indicating lack of reciprocity. The latter is creepy.
7. Be nice to service industry employees who are doing the best they can at their menial jobs. Technically, I think everyone should be required to do at least a year in some super-crappy service job so that they can develop some degree empathy for the individuals who fry their McNuggets and process their dry cleaning. Yes, you are paying for a service and hence deserve said service. However, that does not dictate that service employees have any control over corporate policy, or that they can be required to actually enjoy their jobs, or that you have an automatic right to be a jerkface. Just be nice. It’s not that hard.
8. Do not litter/pollute/otherwise clutter up the world with the pointless refuse of your petty existence. The state of your bedroom is your business. Public space belongs to everybody, and, not being your mother, I have no obligation or desire to clean up after you.
9. Don’t blow your nose at the dinner table. I’m really not particularly repulsed by body fluids and fully support snot-free nostrils, but please...
10. Seek balance. Unfortunately, that isn’t something you can simply locate and maintain by being static, because the world is always moving and we within it. Life is kind of like being in an unstable canoe with a couple of fat, restless gorillas. The only reasonable guarantee is that your boat will continue to be rocked by oversized monkeys, so you might as well get up and get to know them (and possibly learn how to swim).
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Prompts I Never Finished.
(ED. Note - Thank you Beth Bathory for writing these - I really appreciate it.)
If, as Shakespeare bade Polonius to prattle, brevity is the soul of wit, then I maintain that it is my rapier wit—not my mammoth sloth—that has inspired me to complete these writing prompts in brief. I am not Hemingway (obviously—he died in 1961), so there will be few six-word revelations here, but I shall endeavor to deliver complete thoughts in three sentences or fewer. Questions are courtesy of the summer writing prompts that Mr. Fersch was unable to cover before he ran out of summertime.
36. This world needs less…misunderstanding.
37. If I could have invented any one product it would be…toast…because…it’s simple, tasty, portable, and ubiquitous—an achievement to feel proud of.
38. If I could move anywhere in the country it would be…I’m not really sure yet…because…if I know where I wanted to be, I’d already be there.
39. The worst TV show ever is…most of them.
40. If my life had a motto it’d be…“passively pursuing happiness.” C’est la vie.
41. When I daydream, I daydream about…meaningful memories that I want to keep present.
42. The funniest thing I’ve ever done is…convince people that I know what I’m doing. No, really, I do. I swear.
43. The last dream I remember is…one I’m still trying to forget.
44. In twenty years, America will be…older, but probably not wiser.
45. If I could create one law it would be…“Think.”
46. If wishes and buts were candy and nuts…fruitless desires and useless excuses would be a lot tastier.
47. My favorite sonnet is ________, because… Edna Saint Vincent Millay was a badass and a good sonneteer.
48. I would like to convince my parents that…they did a better job than they realize with the whole parenting thing, given the unreasonable parameters of that job.
49. Why didn’t I…just ask instead of trying to guess?
50. If I could only eat one type of food for the rest of my life it would be…fruit, because it tastes like candy, yet the FDA says it’s good for me.
51. The worst time I’ve ever had was…living somewhere I didn’t want to be, doing something I didn’t want to do, surrounded by people I didn’t want to be around: a pretty reliable recipe for disaster.
52. What color represents you? Why? A muddy blue-green, because that’s color I imagine you’d get if you put the entire world into a blender. That’s basically what goes on inside my brain.
53. I think that MySpace is…an unforgivably unattractive interface.
54. Epping should have a…basic household and auto maintenance and repair…Club, because…knowing how to do that stuff is incredibly useful.
55. I believe that animals are…much more logical and goal-oriented than humans.
56. The biggest risk I’ve ever taken is…facing the truth. It’s turned out to be less terrible in the long run than trying to run away or hide from it.
57. I’m most creative...when I know my audience. The point of creation is to give life to something beyond yourself and the point of doing that is to share it.
58. Write a poem.
A penny for your thoughts,
a nickel for your soul.
Why should I buy a part of you
when I could have the whole?
59. Go interview someone about a topic of your choice and transcribe it here.
Me: Hey tree, what’s the meaning of life?
Tree: <>
Me: Oh.
60. What is your most valued possession and why? My body, because it makes me possible.
61. What are you optimistic about? I’m optimistic about people’s capacities for change. What are you pessimistic about? I’m pessimistic about people’s limited capacities for change.
62. What do you think the world needs now? “Love, sweet love.”
63. What makes a good friend? A good friend accepts your worst and expects your best.
64. What do you consider to be beautiful? Beauty is terrestrial grace: “There is a crack in everything—that’s how the light gets in.” (-Leonard Cohen)
65. How do you feel on the first day of school? I feel like an actor auditioning for the part of myself.
66. How do you feel about your appearance? Why? Pretty indifferent, because, for the most part, it’s merely the lot I drew in the genetic lottery. Generally speaking, people appear most attractive when they’re happy with themselves.
67. The last time I cried was…fairly recently…because…we’re all a little bit like Icarus: sea-bound creatures born with a burning to desire to fly to the sun.
68. When I have a problem I talk to…nobody…because…I fear the risks of being vulnerable to others more than the risks of relying on my own limited resources. I’m not advocating that approach, but I know how I am.
69. I used to think…that if I ran fast enough, I would be able to move so quickly that people wouldn’t be able to see me. I still believe I could probably do some impossible things if I tried hard enough and the rest of the world was willing to indulge me.
If, as Shakespeare bade Polonius to prattle, brevity is the soul of wit, then I maintain that it is my rapier wit—not my mammoth sloth—that has inspired me to complete these writing prompts in brief. I am not Hemingway (obviously—he died in 1961), so there will be few six-word revelations here, but I shall endeavor to deliver complete thoughts in three sentences or fewer. Questions are courtesy of the summer writing prompts that Mr. Fersch was unable to cover before he ran out of summertime.
36. This world needs less…misunderstanding.
37. If I could have invented any one product it would be…toast…because…it’s simple, tasty, portable, and ubiquitous—an achievement to feel proud of.
38. If I could move anywhere in the country it would be…I’m not really sure yet…because…if I know where I wanted to be, I’d already be there.
39. The worst TV show ever is…most of them.
40. If my life had a motto it’d be…“passively pursuing happiness.” C’est la vie.
41. When I daydream, I daydream about…meaningful memories that I want to keep present.
42. The funniest thing I’ve ever done is…convince people that I know what I’m doing. No, really, I do. I swear.
43. The last dream I remember is…one I’m still trying to forget.
44. In twenty years, America will be…older, but probably not wiser.
45. If I could create one law it would be…“Think.”
46. If wishes and buts were candy and nuts…fruitless desires and useless excuses would be a lot tastier.
47. My favorite sonnet is ________, because… Edna Saint Vincent Millay was a badass and a good sonneteer.
48. I would like to convince my parents that…they did a better job than they realize with the whole parenting thing, given the unreasonable parameters of that job.
49. Why didn’t I…just ask instead of trying to guess?
50. If I could only eat one type of food for the rest of my life it would be…fruit, because it tastes like candy, yet the FDA says it’s good for me.
51. The worst time I’ve ever had was…living somewhere I didn’t want to be, doing something I didn’t want to do, surrounded by people I didn’t want to be around: a pretty reliable recipe for disaster.
52. What color represents you? Why? A muddy blue-green, because that’s color I imagine you’d get if you put the entire world into a blender. That’s basically what goes on inside my brain.
53. I think that MySpace is…an unforgivably unattractive interface.
54. Epping should have a…basic household and auto maintenance and repair…Club, because…knowing how to do that stuff is incredibly useful.
55. I believe that animals are…much more logical and goal-oriented than humans.
56. The biggest risk I’ve ever taken is…facing the truth. It’s turned out to be less terrible in the long run than trying to run away or hide from it.
57. I’m most creative...when I know my audience. The point of creation is to give life to something beyond yourself and the point of doing that is to share it.
58. Write a poem.
A penny for your thoughts,
a nickel for your soul.
Why should I buy a part of you
when I could have the whole?
59. Go interview someone about a topic of your choice and transcribe it here.
Me: Hey tree, what’s the meaning of life?
Tree: <
Me: Oh.
60. What is your most valued possession and why? My body, because it makes me possible.
61. What are you optimistic about? I’m optimistic about people’s capacities for change. What are you pessimistic about? I’m pessimistic about people’s limited capacities for change.
62. What do you think the world needs now? “Love, sweet love.”
63. What makes a good friend? A good friend accepts your worst and expects your best.
64. What do you consider to be beautiful? Beauty is terrestrial grace: “There is a crack in everything—that’s how the light gets in.” (-Leonard Cohen)
65. How do you feel on the first day of school? I feel like an actor auditioning for the part of myself.
66. How do you feel about your appearance? Why? Pretty indifferent, because, for the most part, it’s merely the lot I drew in the genetic lottery. Generally speaking, people appear most attractive when they’re happy with themselves.
67. The last time I cried was…fairly recently…because…we’re all a little bit like Icarus: sea-bound creatures born with a burning to desire to fly to the sun.
68. When I have a problem I talk to…nobody…because…I fear the risks of being vulnerable to others more than the risks of relying on my own limited resources. I’m not advocating that approach, but I know how I am.
69. I used to think…that if I ran fast enough, I would be able to move so quickly that people wouldn’t be able to see me. I still believe I could probably do some impossible things if I tried hard enough and the rest of the world was willing to indulge me.
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