Beth Bathory's (Additional) Rules For Life.

(ED. Note. - One more thank you to Bathory for these rules. You are my favorite writer to read.)

I know that many of Sir Fersch’s expectations for etiquette are complicated rituals held over from the Victorian era, but I really think there are only two important rules in life:

Do no harm, to the best of your ability.
Leave things a little better than you found them.

I argue that those two points can be effectively applied to pretty much everything. However, I’ve been asked to provide a list of ten etiquette rules, not two, so I’ll list the most important practical applications of these principles. (Most of these will probably still be pretty broad, since I honestly couldn’t care less which side of the plate my fork should be placed on and whatnot.)

1. Do not brake on the highway. It is possible to drive in a manner that makes this is possible—learn how. Unless there’s a stationary wildebeest or some other unavoidable obstacle hanging out in your lane, you should never have to hit your brakes on long, wide, reasonably straight stretches of road.

2. Thank people for things: big things, little things, the things you think you deserve, and the things you take for granted. I hate to break this to you, but you are not actually entitled to much of anything, so be gracious about what you get. It is a good idea to acknowledge the people who lubricate your life.

3. If you want someone to know something, A) say it, and B) say it in a way that will be received and understood by the person(s) you want to hear it. Don’t expect me to read your mind. I’m pretty good at mindreading, but my inferences won’t hold up in a court of law, which is the standard I will insist upon in any disagreement.

4. Judge not lest ye be judged. If I didn’t think my opinions were facts, they wouldn’t be my opinions. Nonetheless, I will concede some capacity for error given that most equipment, including my brain, fails from time to time. People, by and large, are doing the best that they can, even when their best is utterly unacceptable. Judging people for their idiocy has never, to the best of my knowledge, ever improved their performance (except in those 1980s anti-drug propaganda PSA’s, where being deemed a “sissy” greatly increases one’s inclination to smoke crack).

5. Interfere in the affairs of strangers when help is needed or safety is an issue. I’ve been on the receiving end of some amazing acts of random assistance (thank you, Japanese lady who stopped on the side of the highway at 9pm while I was standing in my underwear trying to retrieve my skirt from the drive train of my bike). I’ve also been stunned by the utter lack of useful response by people around me in emergencies (“This man is unconscious and bleeding from his head. Perhaps we should do some things to improve this situation, since he doesn’t appear currently capable of addressing it himself”).

6. Learn the difference between flirting with someone and hitting on them. As indicated by the prepositional phrases, the former is an act of mutual engagement, and the latter is uni-direction, indicating lack of reciprocity. The latter is creepy.

7. Be nice to service industry employees who are doing the best they can at their menial jobs. Technically, I think everyone should be required to do at least a year in some super-crappy service job so that they can develop some degree empathy for the individuals who fry their McNuggets and process their dry cleaning. Yes, you are paying for a service and hence deserve said service. However, that does not dictate that service employees have any control over corporate policy, or that they can be required to actually enjoy their jobs, or that you have an automatic right to be a jerkface. Just be nice. It’s not that hard.

8. Do not litter/pollute/otherwise clutter up the world with the pointless refuse of your petty existence. The state of your bedroom is your business. Public space belongs to everybody, and, not being your mother, I have no obligation or desire to clean up after you.

9. Don’t blow your nose at the dinner table. I’m really not particularly repulsed by body fluids and fully support snot-free nostrils, but please...

10. Seek balance. Unfortunately, that isn’t something you can simply locate and maintain by being static, because the world is always moving and we within it. Life is kind of like being in an unstable canoe with a couple of fat, restless gorillas. The only reasonable guarantee is that your boat will continue to be rocked by oversized monkeys, so you might as well get up and get to know them (and possibly learn how to swim).