I’m back. I haven’t listened to metal for a solid three weeks and I feel like I’m ready. My last effort will be redeemed. I will offer intelligent commentary on each of the albums. I will immediately turn to wit the instant I realize the previous statement is impossible. I will not let this music beat me. I will never again compare myself to Dennis Eckersley. I’m back. I’m ready.
Malefice: “Dawn of Reprisal”
I’m about to start my first listen of this one and I am very excited. The press release promises some severe face melting riffs. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had my face melted. Please don’t disappoint, Malefice. By the way, that name, Malefice, I think it means something bad. Not something bad as in something I’m not mentioning, it’s more like just something bad. I think. I suppose it comes from the word “malfeasance,” a term I first heard yelled at George Bailey by Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life. I knew then this was something clearly not good. But Malefice? What does this mean exactly? Is this even a word? My spell check doesn’t seem to think so. And really, how much do I trust thefreedictionary.com? I have no acceptable excuse for not owning the O.E.D. Let’s take thefreedictionary.com’s word for it and assume it is a word, a noun that means “an evil deed.” Is the band itself an evil deed? That seems unlikely. I assume they are just a bunch of guys playing music (the press release confirms this). Maybe if they killed kittens on stage this would be considered a malefice, but not the band. I just don’t know. This is highly advanced stuff. I think I need to give it up because it’s blowing my mind and my face hasn’t even started melting yet.
Now that I’ve finally turned the album on I think I get it. I was missing the entire crux of the band’s thinly-veiled musical thesis on the postmodern identity crises of existential linguistics and postmodern death metal theory. There is no meaning to the name of the band—think Camus and Absurdism—yet the album itself is a clear artistic representation of death metal as a whole. It’s not the band that is something bad or an evil deed; it’s the music. I’m a little embarrassed that I didn’t see this right away. The meaning of the name is obvious to me now. These are very talented musicians, yet they play metal that completely lacks irony. They are stuck. See Kierkegaard and Despair. This is highly advanced stuff. My face is definitely melting.
Trigger the Bloodshed: “The Great Depression”
Finally. This is what I’ve been waiting for: a politically dense death metal interpretation of a major period in American history. I just wonder why it’s taken me so long to find it. This is one band I will not fault for indecipherable screaming vocals. And seeing as how I can’t understand any of the lyrics, I’ll just have to rely on what I consider a 95%+ accurate interpretation of this album. First of all, Black Tuesday was a real drag. Lots of people were out of work and this was bad. People were pissed. Some of these pissed people in Europe turned to a sociopath named Hitler for answers. This would end up being very bad. F.D.R. kicked some ass and everything eventually got better. This was good. This is a great band. I can’t wait for their follow-up on the fall of the Ming Dynasty.
Molotov Solution: “The Harbinger”
I don’t what the odds are, but I again have stumbled on an album with, according to the press release, “a strong politically driven message.” And again, I can’t understand a word of it. Not to be discouraged; my guess is as good as yours.
Gasoline + glass bottle + cloth wick + fire, no? Far from it. I won’t lie; I’ve been looking on Wikipedia. It’s only solidified my theory, though. This band’s focus is historical allegory. The shredding has to be Stalin, the bass his protégé Vyacheslav Molotov, and the screaming most definitely Hitler. The double bass is the bombing of Finland. It’s no coincidence that Molotov bore a striking resemblance to Teddy Roosevelt. Need I say more?
Goatwhore: “Carving Out the Eyes of God”
Now that’s what I call a band name. They allegedly (Allegedly! I wasn’t wrong after all. Metal Blade has at least one Intro to Journalism alumnus on staff. Touché.) got their name from an encounter with a stripper. But they’re from the South, so we’ll leave it at that.
Damn. I somehow knew this would happen. Part of me likes this album. Not “likes” like “will listen to again,” more like “likes” like “can appreciate talent of musicians no matter how much I can’t stand what I’m listening to.” I’m suddenly overcome with guilt. I’m no real music critic, that’s clear. But in the interest of full disclosure: I used to play in a band. Shocker, I know. Why would a failed musician be so cynical about bands more successful than his ever was? And worse: write about it? It’s too painful. I can do no more tonight. This band gets a pass.
Job For A Cowboy: “Ruination”
I am so glad I slept on that last thought. This band sucks.
Astra: “The Weirding”
“The Weirding?” Are they serious? Do they mean “joining yearbook committee to get out of gym class?” I should probably at least start listening to these albums before I write about them.
Prog Death Metal! Yes! I have no idea why this makes me so happy. It’s just that it’s been seven minutes with no screaming and I hear more King Crimson than Genesis, even a little Mars Volta. I don’t know what this band is doing on this label, but I think I need to listen to the whole album before I write any more.
I feel very weird. I think I may be experiencing a weirding. The only thing this band has in common with its labelmates is that they probably once were heavily into Black Sabbath. Nothing wrong with that. I feel like I’m at a Seder with Mel Gibson. Something isn’t right. This band is pretty good.