I have no idea what I was thinking accepting this assignment. Actually, I think I was drunk—further fuel for my campaign to include a text and email disabling breathalyzer function on the next iPhone. I would never agree to listen to fifteen of Metal Blade Records’ finest offerings, much less review them. If you’re a metal fan, I apologize—really, I do. Some of my best friends are metal fans. It’s just that I still think it’s mostly garbage and all sounds the same. I’m not saying I don’t like loud, aggressive music; I just prefer my loud, aggressive music to be composed by artists who don’t have to compromise quality and originality because they’re too busy trying to figure out how to balance slaying three-headed dragons with battle axes and learning a few minor chords. Maybe my real assignment is to try to be objective and lay down the sarcasm as I embark on this Metal Odyssey. Bear with me; this may take a while.
Amon Amarth: “Twilight of the Thunder God”
If what you crave is double bass drumming faster than your ears can process, crushing death metal vocals not quite decipherable but undeniably demonic, dueling finger tapped shredding, and an unrelenting pace that feels oddly appropriate for pummeling a defenseless animal (among other felonious activities), Amon Amarth’s “Twilight of the Thunder God” is for you. You’ll have to forgive me for being unfamiliar with this groundbreaking Swedish death metal band known as Scum until 1992. As an eleven year old I imagine I was too preoccupied with the Presidential campaign to take notice of the name change. Since then, I must admit, my encyclopedic knowledge of the Swedish death metal scene has waned. Catching up with Scum, however, has definitely been on my list. Now that we’ve been reunited, let me not fail to mention: these adequately locked, shirtless badasses (it’s cold in Sweden, right?) can still bring it like it’s 1991.
Cattle Decapitation: “The Harvest Floor”
I’ve never actually witnessed a cattle decapitation so I don’t know what one sounds like, but if I were to go on instinct, this band seems pretty aptly named. The opening track, “The Gardeners of Eden,” sets the tone quite nicely. In just under six minutes, Cattle Decapitation gives you everything you’ve come to expect in a quality metal album: shredding, death rattles, more shredding, and pig squealing samples. It only gets better from there. Just be prepared to shed a tear during the title track when your ears get to rest and take in some chill vibes and heavy breathing.
Cannibal Corpse: “Evisceration Plague”
In case you’re not aware, Cannibal Corpse are the Godfathers of the Death Metal scene. Three albums into my metal quest and I’ve made out a lyric: “we are damned.” That seems an accurate description of the death metal scene they’ve done so much work to promote. Save these guys a seat next to James Brown in the Godfather section.
Psyopus: “Odd Senses”
Psyopsis’s “3rd onslaught of mind-bending technical metal songs” (press release) is a welcome departure from the unrelenting satanic double-bassedness of the last three albums. It’s not that this band is not satanic—or that they don’t love the double bass; this band is technical. If you’ve ever read the electronics section of an automobile repair manual, or even a Homeland Security grant guidance document, this band is kind of like that. Side note: I’ve actually scene this band live when they opened for Hank III a few years ago. Shockingly, a friend had to point this out. I’ll pay more attention next time.
Lazarus AD: “The Onslaught”
“Onlsaught?” Are you kidding me? There hasn’t been a press release yet that hasn’t used this cliché in their description of either the album or the band. Now we have the album: “The Onslaught.” Sorry. My mind is open. My mind is open. Oh wait… this band sounds the same as all the others: shredding, screaming, and balls. You get the picture.
God Dethroned: “The Wretched”
Now that I’m partly desensitized to this larynx shattering death metal glossolalia, God Dethroned comes as a welcome yet mild departure. The lyrics are mostly clear and intelligent in a mass destruction/end of the world kind of way. The dragon slaying motif is replaced with an eye for the history of carnage. Mustard gas and 1917 are the topics of one song. Respect.
Lay Down Rotten: “Gospel of the Wretched”
I have nothing to say about this album. I feel like Dennis Eckersley trying to do Red Sox color commentary. Soon I’ll have to devote myself to the same haircut for twenty years and revert to talking about the good old days now that I have nothing original say. Let’s leave it at this: It’s loud. There is screaming. And the lyrics are impossible to make out. I’m only half way through this metal journey and I’ve already let go of my sarcasm. The only problem is it’s been replaced with complete and utter apathy. I need a rest from this death metal for a few days.
