A couple of years ago, a fragrance chemist informed me that the scents of coffee beans and skunk spray are both dominated by the same chemical. It’s true! Pay attention next time you encounter one or the other. Since then, I haven’t been too sure how I feel about either smell. I’m not sure how I feel about the odor of most perfumes and personal hygiene products, either. Apparently, girls are supposed to smell like flowers and boys are supposed to smell like bathroom deodorizer. Clearly fragrance manufacturers have neglected to consult the most scientifically accurate source known to mankind—my opinion. Officially, The Best Smells in the World are:
Vanilla. This is what heaven smells like. Vanilla makes everything better. Seriously, I challenge you to think of any situation that is not enhanced by vanilla. (I think vanilla-infused Visine sounds like a great idea.)
Pine groves. Whenever I’m in a fir forest I realize that the usual smell of air is woefully inadequate. Especially if that air is in New Jersey.
Sandalwood. I don’t mean sandalwood oil-scented products, but the actual wood itself—it’s magical.
Citrus fruits. It’s the carefree scent of never having to worry about scurvy!
Tie: Rosemary and Cloves. In the alternate universe inside my mind, sunrise smells like rosemary and sunset emits the aroma of cloves.
I just realized that my entire Best Smells list is plant-based. Perhaps this is some unconscious attribution to the fact that plants make breathing possible, or maybe the animal kingdom is just stinky. I once had a job that required interacting with filthy teenage boys who literally had not changed their clothing or showered for weeks and ate lentils for dinner every night, so I’ll attest to the latter. But even that could not compete with The Worst Smells in the World:
Burning plastic. I’m sure it’s all kinds of carcinogenic, so it’s probably good that it smells horrific.
Tie: Rotting flesh and Vomit. Thanks to various roommates I’ve had over the years, I’ve had plenty of exposure to both. Regarding rotting flesh, I’ve never actually lived with a serial killer (though I did live down the street from one). I’m referring more to the time, for example, that my housemate decided to leave a decomposing turkey in our kitchen for weeks.
Other people’s poo. Yes, I think mine doesn’t stink. What the hell are you people eating?
Wet dog on a warm day. An honorable mention also goes to the stench of a neglected litter box.
The ocean. Have you noticed that “ocean” scented products smell nothing like the ocean? That’s probably a good thing, because the ocean is gorgeous, but it smells like a big, nasty puddle of seaweed- and fish-infested saltwater.
Various police forces have piloted “stink bombs” as a less lethal form of hostile crowd control. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they instead developed “good-smell bombs” to pleasantly pacify and soothe the violent and agitated? With vanilla, all things are possible…