So I received this e-mail from Beth Bathory and she was nice enough to say I could publish it up here - how much more eloquent is she than I! The point she makes is huge though, and it really made me think about what I am trying to accomplish at school - and it shouldn't be to change anyone, it should be to create those experiences that teach them they can change themselves. Thank you so much Beth.
"In response to your blog post, because I think about this all the time:
"How much does the past truly impact the present?" Immensely, I think, because it is the amalgamation of our past experiences that informs how we think, feel, and act on the present. In that sense, I don't think we can "remove" ourselves from the past, but we can change, at any moment, how we think, feel, and act in relationship to our past, which in turn changes who or how we are in the present. This is tricky, though, because I don't think we really have the ability to do that without having or seeking experiences that make us think, feel, or act differently than we have in the past. If we are going to change, we need some level of recognition of both something we are changing from that is less than ideal and something we are changing to that's shown promise of working better.
But, as far as I can tell, if we have learned biologically, psychologically, and socially since infancy that ourselves and our world operate in certain ways, and we've become habituated to functioning to accommodate those experiences and beliefs, we need really good reasons to change. And to complicate that, when we're stressed, we're far more likely to react in line with past experiences than to act differently, which reinforces the illusion that "who we are" and "how the world works" are static and unchangeable. I think results are also similar when changes we make are not reinforced or recognized by our environment.
Regarding the difference between "successfully moved on" versus "pretending," I think the distinction lies in whether, in addition to changing our actions, our thoughts and feelings have also changed in ways that justify and reinforce our actions. I think people fall all across that spectrum with respect to their pasts. But since all of those things are related, truly changing one does affect the others. I also think there is a lot of truth to the Gandhi quote, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Something I really admire about you is your ability to make thoughtful, conscious changes largely through internal motivation. That is what makes an effective teacher: someone who is honestly invested in the things they are trying to teach.
But there is a contradiction in what you're saying. On one hand, you want to believe that you have enough control to overcome the sum of your past experiences in order to make changes in your own life; on the other hand, you want to believe you have enough control to enact changes in other people's lives (i.e. creating for them a past that does impact their future). The reality is probably that change is wholly intersubjective, but the only aspect of it that we control is ourselves. You can't change people, but you can create experiences that are different from their past and make them aware of their potential for change...and you can change yourself in ways that make those experiences more effective. It really isn't anything remotely approaching enough, and that fact is utterly horrifying and unforgivable, but I really don't know what else can be done, and you do it daily."