I pride myself on not watching the drivel that is award shows so it was sort of weird that I happened to be in a hotel room bed after having taken a shower and happened to turn the TV on and happened to flip to MTV and happened to see Tom Cruise extolling the virtues of the “Sandman”. Cruise is a nut and so I left it on to see if the “Sandman” was some religious thing I was as of yet unfamiliar with - alas it was not. Somehow Tom Cruise had been roped into talking nice about Adam Sandler. Not just saying nice things about him but saying he was one of the most important actors alive. I will admit “I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry” was comic genius, as was “Happy Gilmore”, and “Mr. Deeds” and “Big Daddy” were both pretty hilarious. Adam Sandler is a funny guy - no doubt about it. Is he an important actor? As important as an actor can be. Is he making the world a better place? A few laughs and decent messges at a time I would say yes. Tom Cruise though was as up on his jock as it seems humanly possible to be which seems a bit much if you ask me....which you didn’t so I’ll get on with it.
Chances are you do not need to read a review of “Don’t Mess with the Zohan” to know it blows. The ads alone were embarassing to watch. An Israeli super counter terrorist wants to become a hairdresser - you just need to see that ad to know there will definitely be two things;
1. Some sort of heartfelt message about either accepting peoples religious differences or choices they make in life and
2. Jokes about hairdressing being gay
And yes, both were there in abundance.
Sandler teamed up with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s mastermind Robert Smigel and (normally) genius Judd Apatow (we’re talking Anchorman AND Freaks and Geeks here) to write this abomination and either they were high the entire process or maybe they just are human and not always funny (Apatow WAS responsible for Walk Hard and Kicking and Screaming - two movies with actors so funny it should have been impossible to ruin them...but he managed).
The end result though is a embarassing, slow, unintelligent move with a bunch of terrible cameos. Rob Schnieder as a Palestinian terrorist (you look ignorant), Mariah Carey as herself (and not even doing a good job at that), Kevin Nealon as a feeble community watchman (he was NEVER funny), and shame on you Chris Rock for the wackest cameo of all - a Jamaican taxi driver (what's worse is you USED to be hilarious).
Maybe every once in a while Hollywood decides it’s alright to put out an inside joke (ahem, Club Dread) and to hell with a movie going audience and whether or not they actually enjoy it. If that isn’t the explanation for how this movie came to fruition there better be a damn good other one because this movie straight up sucked. From simplifying and idiotizing (that is officially a word) the Israeli-Palenstinian conflict to jokes about dude's junk and more there is absolutely no good reason to ever see this movie (or Littly Nicky while we're at it...)
