Every once in a while a book comes along that truly changes the readers’ perception of the world and challenges them to think deeply. Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s 'Love In The Time Of Cholera' is one. 'The Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran is another. 'Walking On Eggshells' is not one of these books.
Based on the assumption that everyone has as bad a relationship with their families as she does, new author Jane Isay manages to pack a whole lot of nonsense into her 237 page book, nonsense which leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
Isay, who was an editor for years apparently thought that since she was around writers, she would be able to be one as well, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Eggshells deals with the “relationship between adult children and parents”, a specifically interesting topic to anyone who is at the stage in their life where they are examining their family life and trying to make sense of seemingly odd actions of parents or children as people grow up.
I say “researched” the topic by interviewing “nearly” 75 people, adult children and parents alike. And she has managed to convince herself that these interviews hold the answers to the intricate relationship families have. In reality, these interviews only seem to share one thing, that everyone she interviewed is obnoxious and doesn’t realize it.
The family problems dealt with in the book range from in-laws to drinking, and there doesn’t seem to be a reasonable character in the bunch.
Overbearing parents, unappreciative children, you name it, these people ARE it. Isay neatly packages these horrorshows and tries to justify the actions on both sides, even when no one is doing the right thing.
and Instead of reading this book, I would wholeheartedly recommend spending a few hours with your family, talking to them, getting to know them. Isay talks little about the idea of gaining and giving mutual respect, which to me, seems the most obvious idea for families which are having these issues.
One thing is for certain, this book did give me a stronger appreciation for my own family, they may not be perfect, neither should the be, at least they aren’t any of these people though.
Interview with author Jane Isay
Now, do you believe that EVERYONE has a serious flaw in their relationship with their families? Even if they don’t act that way?
I think that people who don’t have any issues in this area have probably worked quite hard to get it that way. Certainly the people I interviewed, who had wonderful relations with parents or grown kids has thought about it. They had learned from life, lessons that made sense. Every once in a while I see a blog or review that says I must think people don’t get along and I think “good for you, you’re happy!” My sense is that in the baby boomer generation there has been trouble figuring out how to navigate this relationship because our relationship was so different. They were the greatest generation; they knew exactly what was best for us. This new generation wanted to be closer but we’re not sure how to make that happen.
Do you have children? How is YOUR relationship? What was the motivation for doing this book?
I have two grown sons, and it’s gotten better. I wrote it because I missed my sons and didn’t have the connections that I wanted. As an editor I tried to get others to write the book, no one did and so I quit my job in publishing (as an editor) and wrote the book. I learned so much from writing it about my own kids. I never told my parents anything that was really bothering me, it wasn’t the kind of closeness that my generation wants with their kids.
You say you interviewed “nearly” 75 people, who were these people? Friends/family? If so, do you feel they were completely honest with you knowing what it was for?
Most of the people in the book I spent a maximum of two hours with. I found myself in the course of writing the book warming to the people I had interviewed though. I identified and empathized with them. I did like all the people in the book. The vast majority were not friends. I have however kept up connections with the people in the book, just keeping up to date
What did you learn about the relationships between parents and children?
The most important thing I learned that was your generation loves us even if you don’t return our phone calls. Parents are astonished to see how much love there is even when there isn’t much shown. It’s a new stage of parenting, wholly different from other stages that have been written about. People really want it to work out, and I found there were a whole lot of small things you can do. You don’t need a family council to say lets get close, there are a whole range of things you can do to make sure there is an understanding and recognition of differences and boundaries. I guess the thing I discovered is that guilt separates people terribly. If you feel bad about something you did as a child, or your parents, it causes distance. People have a hard time getting close. I found there are two magic sentences, mine to yours is “I’m proud of you”. Parents don’t have to wait till they win a Nobel or Pulitzer to tell them. And yours to mine is “Hi ma, how are you?”, a communication without an agenda, that’s the best a parent can hear. It’s very hard for parents to give up that sense of responsibility that they can make grown kids lives better. Parents simply have to do it, we can’t control the world. I also find that with parents one of the ways that’s very helpful to disengage with this naggy pushy advicey worry thing is to remind themselves they did the best they could and what their kids are experiencing isn’t their fault.
Words of wisdom for families? What can the parents do? What can the children do?
Children can initiate conversations now that they are no longer so anxious with their parents being the giants in the room. They should be considerate of their parents. You’d be amazed how great a kind word from a grown kid can feel, it can feel wonderful. Grown children can be treated like adults when they begin to act like adults. In their 20s parents get mixed messages from children. All we want is to be seen for the imperfect but loving people we are, not some kind of imposing giant who’s pulling all the strings. That takes work on both sides. I think that when that happens things begin to get easier. A sense of humor is essential to all good families. I make the worst green beans, and I always make them for Thanksgiving and instead of looking at me cross-eyed they laugh about it. You can’t laugh about it until you feel like a separated individual where I’m your loving mother but just another person.
All anyone is ever looking for is recognition for who we are and that’s what our kids are fighting for, for the people they are, not the people we wanted them to be. And parents want to be treated for who they are. I love you but you are a pain in the neck. Each of these interactions are a two way street. I think you would be amazed how just a kind word is savored. I’ll give you an example from today, my son and wife just had their second child. Their first is 3 ½. The first comes and spends a day a week with us, and we kept him while the baby was being born. I got this sweet note thanking us, and all day I’ve been thinking about that note. And I wanna say to her, “You can’t know how much you mean to our family.”
How about families which are so far from in contact or even civility?
E-mails and phone messages are very good, not even being in person yet. Here’s something I thought you would enjoy, no need for a reply. You have to want to do it, but it’s a reminder that you are thinking about the person you are not talking to. The non-obligational communication. You have to want to do it. There’s a man in the book with the same sense of humor as his daughter-in-law and whenever there’s something in the paper funny he’ll collect them and send her an envelope full of these things. When they see each other there is a relationship that wouldn’t otherwise be there. You can even call when you know they won’t be there and just leave a message. Bring back a nice or happy memory from the past. Send them a silly postcard. Every family that’s a big mess also has some good things. When parents have behaved really badly, an apology goes so far, you wouldn’t believe it. One woman who was not in the book told me that she was estranged with her father. He had come back from Vietnam War, abandoned her and her mom. She got in touch for his help and he said he would and that he was proud of her and twenty years of rage melted away and she just saw him as the wounded soldier coming home from war again.