Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me
Edited by Ben Karlin w/ Stephen Colbert, Bob Odenkirk, Dan Savage, Andy Richter and more
Grand Central Publishing
February 4, 2008
240 Pages
It’s true, being funny does not mean that you are shielded from the sadness of heartbreak in this world. It does however mean that you are more likely to look at the humorous side of things and then, god willing, be asked to write a short story for a compilation of short stories, which is then published and gives its readers many, many laughs at your misfortune. And thanks to Ben Karlin, these personal un-triumphs of human dignity are now fodder for the general public’s delight at how, at least in one way, real (and pseudo) celebrities have to deal with the same crap we do when it comes to love.
Karlin, the former executive producer of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report has a mother who thinks he’s a mighty fine catch and a plethora of friends who have managed to compile a number of some of the funniest losing love stories ever written. Calling on some of the funniest names in comedy today, Karlin has succeeded in humanizing (at least some of) the people who make us laugh.
Of the 31 short stories, there are so many stand outs that it would be as unfair to choose favorites, as it would be to turn a grudge into a work of art (as Andy Selsberg does in “A Grudge Can Be Art”). It would be as ridiculous to say that only a few of these writers have lived through some pretty ridiculous situations, as ridiculous as someone actually ejaculating on their cat (as Neil Pollack relates he did in “Don’t Come On Your Cat”). The fact of the matter is, some of them are far more entertaining than others, and yup, they tend to be the ones where something really ridiculous happened.
Heartbreak is painful, and these gentlemen share all different types of pain, in their very different types of stories. Patton Oswalt share the painfully believable, (while for most of us guys, not livable), differences between his wife and his stripper ex-girlfriend in “Dating a Stripper Is a Recipe for Perspective.” Paul Simms gives us the painfully genius in a realistic, I’m a guy-I’m not sure what I want, kind of way in “I’m Easy”.
David Wain brings to the table the painfully awkward and realistic of trying to understand women who are potentially un-understandable in the quite clever “Persistence is for Suckers”. And renowned newspaper columnist Dan Savage adds the painfully confused effort at trying to fit in with “I Am a Gay Man”.
Sure, not every story is comic genius, there’s the painfully awkward with Larry Wilmore’s creeper about his daughter, “Women Are Never Too Young to Mess with Your Head”. Thanks to Rodney Rothman there is also the painfully lame “I Still Like Jessica”, which proves little more than that being a “grown man” has little to do with being grown up.
All humor aside though, love can lead to devastating events, and even though a good majority of the writers here are poking fun at their own experiences, they are doing it in such a heartfelt way that it’s hard not to be able to empathize with them. Damian Kulash, Jr., lead singer of OK Go, wins the painfully reminiscent of real life award with “A Dog Is No Reason to Stay Together”, and Bob Kerrey is champion of the painfully beautiful in “Sometimes You Find a Lost Love, Sometimes You Don’t”.
Whether you have had fifty ex’s, or married your first love, some part of this will relate to feelings you have felt, they just happen to be a whole lot more humorous when you hear about them having happened to someone else.
SHORT INTERVIEW With DAVID REES, author of “Get Dumped Before It Matters”
1. You claim a never having been dumped status, yet then say that you were dumped by your girlfriend in HS, got back together with her, and dumped her. How do you justify saying you were never dumped then?
I claim that getting dumped, resuscitating the relationship, and then dumping the girlfriend, cancels out her dumping me. As long as my high-school girlfriend and I dumped each other the same amount of times, my net balance of dumps carrying over into the next relationship equals ZERO.
2. If you didn't learn all these supposed lessons from women when you were younger, what lessons have you actually learned from your wife about women?
All the lessons mentioned in the essay (the lessons I never learned from girlfriends) are actual problems my wife and I had to work on-- actually, problems I had to work on, on my own: Staying productive and motivated during the day; not slipping into a lazy, depressing lifestyle (we cut the part about me hitting refresh on talkingpointsmemo.com all day); spending time in the kitchen preparing meals; not wasting every night in front of the television. The point of the essay was, if I had learned these lessons before I met my wife, they wouldn't have been a burden in my marriage (which they were).
3. What do you have against frozen bagels made by robots, sweatpants? And do you really believe they could lead you to "getting fucking divorced"?
When I wrote this essay, my wife and I honestly were having problems in our marriage, most of which could be traced to my entropic, depressing attitude. I am pleased to say that things have much improved, and that these days I am getting out more, cooking and baking bread again, and trying to have a brighter outlook towards life. Also, I no longer wear sweatpants around the house! Most days I even go the extra mile and put on a collared shirt. I wish I could take credit for the line "Frozen bagels made by robots," but that was a suggestion made by the editor of the book, Ben Karlin. He's creative that way.
4. What would you recommend do to make sure they learn these valuable lessons that you never got to learn?
Read my essay over and over again, until its profound truths become second nature. Then, express their gratitude to me by depositing enormous sums of money into my bank account.
SHORT INTERVIEW With DAN SAVAGE, author of “I Am a Gay Man”
1. How does it feel to get dumped by a woman you seemingly were never going out with, especially when you don't even like women? Ever happened with a guy since then? (Being dumped w/out ever really "dating" them that is).
Well, we were sort of going out, and one of us had to do the dumping. Better her, I think. If I had dumped her it would've been taken as proof that I really wasn't interested in pussy, otherwise why would I dump Wendy? And the whole point of Wendy was convincing friends and family that I wasn't gay, that I had a deep and burning desire for pussy, so it simply wasn't possible for me to dump her. So... man...if she hadn't dumped me, there's a chance I could still be with her to this day. Which would be a tragedy for all concerned.
I've never been dumped by a guy I wasn't officially seeing. I have, however, been dumped by a guy that I was about to dump. I was like, "No, wait -- not fair. I was so totally going to dump you!"
2. If you already knew you were gay, what is it exactly that you learned from your multiple sexual encounters with Wendy and subsequent dumping?
That I could fake it, physically. But that I couldn't fake it emotionally. I didn't have the stomach for a life of Larry-Craig style deception.
3. Do you prefer writing short stories or your column?
I really enjoyed working on that story. I'd love to write more of 'em. But, man, I love writing my column -- I have the best job in North America.